Shovel Toothed Bastards!

ASSHOLES!

I remember learning in my forensic biology class that one of the ways forensic scientists can determine the ethnicity of a skeleton was by examining the teeth. Besides the obvious differences in skin color eye shape and hair composition, I've always noticed particular "weird" things about northern asian people that make them very different from myself, my fellow negroids, and even "them whities" as my grandfather would say. You see, people of north asian descent have pitted, or shovel shaped teeth. And that explains why that old man in chinatown I spoke to today had breath that smelled like a grave.
You can geek out on the anthropology behind the ching chong buck tooth stereotype here and here.

Anyway, you've probably heard them chinesies aren't just poisoning our dogs and cats, they've been selling us poison toothpaste because they're totes jealous of our buteous chompers (even though their shovel shaped biters are structurally stronger). Read about it here. It rings reminiscent of the beauty product terrorism the Joker unleashed in the original Batman movie, which has to mean that they watch what they bootleg. Half a billion chinese don't even brush their teeth, so they knew the damage from friendly fire was going to be minimal. Sneaky sneaky!

So if you haven't heard the warning, DON'T USE TOOTHPASTE FROM CHINA! It may have an ingredient of Antifreeze in it.
News Links
I have a particular interest in this story, because as you can probably imagine a lot of products in discount stores come from China. Especially bootleg and counterfeit ones. In fact, some of these poison toothpastes were recently still found in discount stores. Massachusetts and Rhode Island, The Tri-State area, and even in Prison...nobody is safe.

In case you were wondering, whenever I buy my own toothpaste (sometimes mom dukes hooks it up) I use Arm & Hammer toothpaste. It makes my mouth feel squeaky clean, which I desperately need because I'm usually standing on the precipice of saying something filthy, and I like the idea of there being a whole fist, arm, and mallet in my mouth, knockin' plaque and gingivitis the fuck out.

I know I'm a stereotypist shit talking jerk, and I totally just gave the Chinese a reason and way to kill me, but I'm not scared of them. The only people I truly fear are Nelly Furtado and her fucking retarded bird face (I heard that every time she smiles, a kid with a cleft palate loses their scholarship to Operation Smile), and 50 Cent. Did you see him recently on the cover of Vibe? I actually got a restraining order on an issue of a magazine! Unheard of!

Cheap Trick

That new new in the news - On June 30th of this year, a 99¢ Only Store in Lewisville Texas will be performing 99 cent weddings. Where are the 99 cent engagement rings?

Potshots, Part Deux

So, back to the task at hand..

shout out to my boy chest rolls

The ghost of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes demonstrates with her magical rain bonnet and unbroken hair that...

super silky jumbo need not apply.

For serious though, I'm really truly digging the weave scene in discount stores.
I wish I had hair-did skills so I could stock up and do something crazy.

This is where if I had better photoshop skills, you'd be seeing Clay Aiken doing blue steel superimposed on each of these sticks of modeling clay.

You often see these in National Geographic. Attached to Banana Tits.

Banana Tit breast reduction.

I'm anticipating white kids and toilets becoming a running feature here.

That final feature and benefit is a doozy.
The old me would have bought this in preparation to gift at the first best opportunity, like a wedding, housewarming, or Mother's Day.

That cow is looking at us with her sexiest, Schatar-iest eyes and telling us that she's tasted herself. Ga-ross.

Ghetto booty linens. Hot. Little in the middle, but she got much back.

Heh...Flannelback.

Bootleg Ipath kicks.
Now, This guy looks like he shops strictly at discount stores when he's got the luchini to blow. He also has a socially relevant message for us all.

wait for it.....

ha ha!

I go sleep now. Good bye.

New Jersey Drive

This native New Yorker raises her hand and proudly announces she likes New Jersey. Not like I want to live there or anything, but it contains most of the things we just don't have room for in NYC, like Midieval Times, Six Flags Great Adventure, and our garbage. Atlantic City is shittily fantastic. It's home to "Down The Shore", which is one of my favorite bits of gramatically incorrect regional vernacular, beating Hawaii's "Shave Ice" by a small sliver. Before the Jamba Juice trickled into Manhattan my best friend used to drive me to a Whole Foods in NJ just so I could fulfill an obsession I picked up on a visit to LA. I don't know if my beloved Redman would be nearly as grimy and deliciously polluted had he not grown up in Dirty Jerz. I got mad peeps from and in New Jeru, and I'm hollering, yo. You rock.

On the recommedation of a NJ resident, my previously mentioned best friend took me on a motorized journey through a tunnel, and across state lines to capture the discount essence of the Armpit Of America. One of the first things we came across was evidence that they are trying to buck the moniker.
Judging straight out my ass, I am going to guess that the notes of this perfume are derived from the essence of olive oil, garlic, Sophia Loren's ancient but timeless vagina, hair gel, and air from an accordion's bellows. Not an improvement.

Forreal tho, we went to this place in Jersey City, and probably had one of the best days of this year so far. I've already covered a few items we found in Fereshte Direct, and this spot was home to that insane Wolfmother's day lamp.

right off the bat, my friend pointed out this bad ass

and sent me on a mission following this chick around the store trying to discreetly take a picture of her ass.

Lusti Professional Cholesterol ought to be the name of a plus size modeling agency.

This is what you apply before you put lotion on, to ensure that your other lotion goes on smooth.

Who's bite size, the dog, or the kid?
In Korea, the dog.
In my mind, the kid. Just look at the way she's holding that dog. She's totally going to get her little button nose tore the fuck off.

If you didn't already notice, my mind works like a giant word and picture association game.
I want somebody to take a stab at what song popped into my head after seeing these two shower cap packages. It's really not that hard. If someone guesses right, I'll give you a prize.

Forget the black people on these packages, I'm here to talk about about how Martin Sheen's real name is Ramon Estevez. Charlie is a faker too. Emilio is the one who represents with Ethnic Sheen.

New Benign Girl! This chick is EVERYWHERE!
A friend of mine was recently in Guatemala, and the small child of his host family even had a Benign Girl phone.

Coconut Juice with Meat is begging to be a tropically set tranny porn.
It would make me endlessly happy if it starred Jaslene, the most recent winner of America's Next Top Model, and Raci, the deaf filipino mtf from TransGeneration. Top it off with Marlee Matlin, and that shit would be the next Deaf Comedy Jam.

I've been stuck on what to say about these two. I just love them. That's all.

Menstrual emergency in aisle 3.

Complete crazyness. An abortion kit?
Gross!

I kid!

When it comes down to it, i think the only reason I only photographed these because they're in a discount store. I see them in pet stores, and have even bought ears for my dog before, and haven't thought twice.


WTF?
WTF! WTF! WTF is this doing in a people store?
This came home with me. Unbelievable.

Someone has surely and entirely lost an eyelid using one of these. Or a labia.

This post is either getting entirely too long, or I just made myself feel weird. More on this locations finds when I don't feel so creepy inside.

Backed Up

I've hit a little episode of bloggers block. More than half of a post has been ready for a week, and i can't seem to eek it out.
Good thing it's Fleet Week here in NYC.


if anybody out there has any techniques to butt-douche the mind, they would be greatly appreciated.

Once More, With Feeling

A quick stop for a bottle of water at America's Discount Store in midtown turned into an unexpected photo sesh. I've covered this store before and I'm trying to stay away from documenting the same spots, but I never know what I might come across, and when the product talks, I listen.

I thought it was weird that this pack of baby wipes provided a pictoral instruction of how to water-torture a baby.

Yay! Wedgies for all ages. (re: Bloopers for Men)

Double Yay! Wedgies for all genders.

I can't help but wonder though, does the "slightly imperfect" refer to the undies, or to the "girls" that these undies are for? Because in that case, these may be special undies for the little transgendered kids that we saw chilling with Barbara Walters last week, or perhaps those with fetal alchol syndrome. You see how far apart that girl's eyes are? It's not dissimilar to FA Face.

From the look on her face, i'm guessing these were ribbed for her pleasure.

Someone should take this idea, and make a CGI animated movie about a group of hyenas that work in a sweatshop but aspire to be comedians. They strike out on their own making humorous socks, and invite some tap dancing penguins with frostbitten antartic feet to endorse their products. Licensing potential galore?
Not a good idea? Oh.
Anyhoo, I think I might go back and buy these socks. They're terrible, and that's great.

Little Debbie looks like she's been getting up to no good.

She appears to be dabbling in drugs....

Doing Dallas, 2 at a time.
(If there isn't already a porno spoof of this product there ought to be)

and constructing giant areolas for your buttcheeks.

These sound like something the Filipino coroner would find nestled between the legs of a hermetic old man who died in his treetop jungle hut.

This sounds like the perfect sex partner for a gay power bottom with high blood pressure, and a preference for white guys.

I love random use of the internet.
Like R. Kelly's album TP2.com, and Trick Daddy's album www.thug.com.
I wonder if there is anyone in the world named Dotcom yet. There should be.

woman: honey, do you love me?
man: i like you a lot, you just don't shimmer enough.

Tussy has been haunting me for more than half my life.
I had a close friend growing up, whose mother swore that her daughter was allergic to all deodorants, except this one, which is a cream deodorant. I figured it came with a pit spatula or something to apply it, but it doesn't. I found something incredibly revolting about that when I was about 11 years old, and I still do.

So my best friend and I get in her car one day, and she remembers she hasn't put on any deodorant, and she's getting sticky-icky. She asks If I have some. I do, in my backpack. I pass her my Vanilla scented Avon Cool Confidence Roll-on deodorant, that I keep handy for cases such as these. I too often forget to apply deodorant in the morning. She peers at the label. "Roll On? Cool Confidence? What is this?" Twists off the cap, and rolls it on. Approximately 30 seconds later, she looks at me, frowning, and says "More like moist insecurity!"

I am going to take a stab at what these deodorants are supposed to smell like.
This one is law enforcement.

This one is a blend of Allen Funt, and Dom DeLuise.

and this one is Mumm-Ra The Ever Living.

Now this, is a riot! Neon lice spray!
For some big fun, bug bomb a homeless shelter with this stuff, and then send all of the residents to a rave! Oh the wackiness that will ensue!