Thursday, July 12, 2007

Shovel Toothed Bastards!


I remember learning in my forensic biology class that one of the ways forensic scientists can determine the ethnicity of a skeleton was by examining the teeth. Besides the obvious differences in skin color eye shape and hair composition, I've always noticed particular "weird" things about northern asian people that make them very different from myself, my fellow negroids, and even "them whities" as my grandfather would say. You see, people of north asian descent have pitted, or shovel shaped teeth. And that explains why that old man in chinatown I spoke to today had breath that smelled like a grave.
You can geek out on the anthropology behind the ching chong buck tooth stereotype here and here.

Anyway, you've probably heard them chinesies aren't just poisoning our dogs and cats, they've been selling us poison toothpaste because they're totes jealous of our buteous chompers (even though their shovel shaped biters are structurally stronger). Read about it here. It rings reminiscent of the beauty product terrorism the Joker unleashed in the original Batman movie, which has to mean that they watch what they bootleg. Half a billion chinese don't even brush their teeth, so they knew the damage from friendly fire was going to be minimal. Sneaky sneaky!

So if you haven't heard the warning, DON'T USE TOOTHPASTE FROM CHINA! It may have an ingredient of Antifreeze in it.
News Links
I have a particular interest in this story, because as you can probably imagine a lot of products in discount stores come from China. Especially bootleg and counterfeit ones. In fact, some of these poison toothpastes were recently still found in discount stores. Massachusetts and Rhode Island, The Tri-State area, and even in Prison...nobody is safe.

In case you were wondering, whenever I buy my own toothpaste (sometimes mom dukes hooks it up) I use Arm & Hammer toothpaste. It makes my mouth feel squeaky clean, which I desperately need because I'm usually standing on the precipice of saying something filthy, and I like the idea of there being a whole fist, arm, and mallet in my mouth, knockin' plaque and gingivitis the fuck out.

I know I'm a stereotypist shit talking jerk, and I totally just gave the Chinese a reason and way to kill me, but I'm not scared of them. The only people I truly fear are Nelly Furtado and her fucking retarded bird face (I heard that every time she smiles, a kid with a cleft palate loses their scholarship to Operation Smile), and 50 Cent. Did you see him recently on the cover of Vibe? I actually got a restraining order on an issue of a magazine! Unheard of!