Tuesday, June 24, 2008

You, On Blast

By the way, I found some of your shit on my blog, and If you don't claim it soon, I am going to throw it out.

In summation,

Monday, June 23, 2008


Okay, facts. I said I can do that. I was checking my trusty Dollar Store news, and saw an article that I just had to say something about. See, this lady right here apparently went beserk in a Family Dollar store, when she was told that the line she was waiting on was shutting down, and she had to move to another register. I know that shit is annoying, but was it really enough to:
a) hand your 8-month-old child to a store clerk, so that you can
b) pull some hair up out a scalp,
c) wayne brady choke a bitch, and
d) bite a cop?

Um, I don't think so. It ain't that serious, ma. Those furious fists, ghetto anger, and no nonsense attitude is not going to get you anywhere but central booking, and you can't ring up there either. But as a consolation I found a way you can save 20¢ next time. I love you.

I'm Crap

Yes, It has been months since I posted. I seem to go through this. I am unfortunately stressed out because I need a real job that will cover my expenses, and when I'm stressed I can't write creatively, only factually. So here's what I'm gonna do - I'm going to post a video of Ellen Degeneres shopping at the 99¢ Only store. It was on her show, and people tend to visit this blog looking for that video. So X gon' give it to ya. (I am X.)

Someone give me a job. A good one. I only buy crap, I don't take it. Zing!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

They Tell Me, I Tell You

I've gotten about 30,000 e-mails from my friends in the past two days about this article in the New York Times, How to Survive in New York on 99 Cents, and the accompanying 99 cent store meal that Eric Ripert, Executive Chef of Le Bernadin, created.

Good looking out everyone. You know I don't read the New York Times. I also obviously don't need a 5 star chef, and a world renowned journalistic institution to tell me that all the good shit on earth isn't worth all the money they pay for it. Prices are going up. Wah! Now you see what it's like to look at your receipts, and make sure you didn't get robbed at the register, work your way up to $24 in your bank account so you can finally access your money by ATM machine, and pump your fist and cheer for your dusty complextion when you find St. Ives Apricot Scrub for a dollar rather than four.

The next thing you know, they'll be telling us that Soulja Boy (tell 'em) is the next big underground workout guru, inspiring people to get off their asses and crank their way out of obesity. Just so you know I told you first, I supermanned a ho, and it cured my diabeetus. Cranking That Robocop is working my cholesterol levels down like Mary J. Blige in 1994.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

What Must They Think Of Me?

I check my traffic log, and often find myself laughing at the keywords that bring people to this website. Since I haven't posted in a minute, I thought I'd share to tide you over. A new post will be up soon, promise.

The consistant number 1 keyword search term that brings people to this site is Banana Tits. People search for such weird stuff...Here's my list of some of my faves in alphabetical order:

99 cent black phone sex
99 cent store personal lube
99 cents store musical los angeles
99 in spanish
agressive lesbo
banana tits
bastards poisoned my kid
bear oil for hair
before and after pictures of people who used mane and tail shampoo and conditioner
big black dick brooklyn
big black gay dicks
black hair is so sexy in the summer
black hair model agency
britney upskirt adventures
britney's maids sweatsuits
bucktooth stereotype
c.p time clothing
cheap abortion nj
club bitch day
counterfeit arm and hammer toothpaste
crack is back t shirt
crappy valentine
crazy hat store in jersey city, new jersey
creative memories consultant sued by company for selling on ebay
deaf filipino in new jersey
deficate in dreams
do you like dick totts?
fat tits an-accordion
fereshte farsi
filipino maids white babies
fist/arm mens ass pictures
fleshlight advice
fuck you emc mortgage
furtado fakes
giant banana tits
hair and but ass fat black girl
how to read pregnancy test from the 99c store
i love my nappy hair clothing
is vietnamese toothpaste safe
kinte cloth kitchen
la lakers sherwin williams
lesbionic woman
little orphan annie upskirt
long pointy banana tits
me chinese man, me make joke
me chinese me play joke origin
oh da toilette
old tussy
omarosa booty pic
penis overhang pictures
rain bonnet snapshot
sambos pizza
schatar eye
shooting at fred's dollar store
shovel shaped eye teeth
shovel shaped teeth
squeeze my ass jokes
tattoo of fereshte
tips how backflip figure skating
tommy lasorda drunk interview
upper eschelon lesbian
vagina sue
wash your ass video game music del tha funky homo
what isaw women douching pic
white flight jokes

I don't think posting this will make the keywords of the future any less hilarious, and I guess that's kind of the point. Perverts, weirdos, and fans of National Geographic style boobs.....welcome.

Friday, February 22, 2008

CP Time

One time, I was at the $2 movie theater (R.I. Motherfucking P.) with a bunch of my friends watching the Sigourney Weaver flick Copycat. The theater was packed, not surprisingly, as a $2 trip to the movies in Manhattan was the steal of the 90's. During a climactic scene on a rooftop where Sigourney is nearly killed, when the cops finally show up after the showdown, this kind of drunk guy who'd been annoyingly grumbling throughout the movie exclaimed about the arriving police "Always late....just like my brother!" I don't know why I just told you that story because since it's probably not funny to anybody except me and my friends, but I did. And you read it, so the joke's on you. It's also black history month in case you didn't know, and here I am telling you that with 6 days left in the month. Always late....(fill in the punchline.)

I was drawn to this book Black Girl in Paris in a Brooklyn discount store. I didn't read it, since I don't know how, but I found the image on it's cover enchanting. If this book were set in New York, she'd be sporting a showercap, airbrushed corn chip nail tips, and puffing a blunt an hour on some Jaimee Foxworth steez. But it's not. I had to delve into my brain as to what attracted me to this book. And then I realized, I've seen her before. I know who this girl is. It's one of the most awesome black girls on the planet. The one, the only Surya Bonaly.

Surya Bonaly is the blackest and most fantastic and explosive figure skater ever. Born in Nice, France, and adopted by a white lady, she went on to become France's nine time National Figure skating champion, five time European Figure Skating Champion, and a three-time silver medalist at the World Figure Skating Championships. She unfortunately never won any golds in Worlds, or placed in the Olympics, but her unconventional skating style remains one for the legends, with her signature move, a backflip, which she lands on one foot - and she is the only skater in the world capable of doing this. She's basically the love child of 50 Cent and Serena Williams on ice. I used to skate, and when I was a kid, I thought she was the Sugar Honey Iced Tea.

Her Wiki says "Having lost any chance for a medal during the 1998 Winter Olympics in Nagano, Japan due to a fall on a triple Salchow jump, Bonaly decided to end her amateur career with a symbolic gesture: with nothing left to lose, she performed her signature back flip -- an illegal move under International Skating Union rules -- in front of the judges. She then proceeded to finish her program with her back facing the judges."

Peep some Video:

Surya now lives in the United States, and does those Professional Ice Skating tours. I can honestly say I haven't had a hankering to see Elvis Stojko in action with his leather pants and vest set spinning through a quadruple toe loop since I was about 12, but now that I know Surya is involved as well, it's on like Donkey Kong. Who's coming with me?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Crappy Valentine's Day

I am a hater, and that's pretty much all I have to say about that. Since there's nobody to wine, dine, or 69 me on this fine wintry holiday, I got on my bike this afternoon and took a ride over to Lefferts Gardens, Brooklyn to observe the love-n-discount scenario over there. I don't know if I'm sadder for myself for being a perpetual love hater, or for the people who feel so compelled by this retarded commercial holiday that they buy crap for their loved ones at discount stores. What I do know is, I'm saddest for those on the receiving end of these gifts. I know it's the thought that counts, but nobody deserves to see their love represented that way. Instead, say it every time you make eye contact, or write something sincere in a card you made yourself, even if you draw like a 5 year old, and can barely spell. Just don't do this to your significant other. They deserve better. You just made them feel like these sad discarded conversation hearts.

They make my eyes well up, and I'm 83% robot. Oil Can!

Once I got beyond Prospect Park, just about every store I passed was taking advantage of the coin to be made today, from the stankin fish market to the Jamaican bootleg video spot. So, here are some flicks from my adventures. Montell Jordan, Master P and Silk singing "Let's Ride" is booming out my speakers right now, so I'm going to take their advice (minus the slapping of the thighs.) My only regret is that I am not sitting on a hawaii chair.

Garfield and Spongebob got in on the action...for your 11 year old girlfriend.

I was immediately greeted in the first store I entered with this.

I doubt Bette Midler is making any residuals off this.
There was a small, ambiguously central american man who kept triggering these things incessantly. I never knew before today, but that is my idea of hell.

I like that they weren't afraid of going interracial with these dish bears.
They could have been made to celebrate the birth of Milla Jovovich's new baby Ever, but I highly doubt it.

This is so Cheng and Eng.

So, you want to go all out with the fancy dinner but can't afford that caviar spread your lady asked for? Don't fret.....
the 99 cent store has you covered. Presenting - plastic fruits with a caviar applique. Just don't attempt to eat it, and she'll never know the difference.

This is actually a break up gift meant to sweetly say "Your love is suffocating me."

So much. Wicked wicker chair much. Baby, lets go to Pier 1 and then I'm gonna fuck you in your fat head like scientology did Kirstie Alley.

yeah, so special.....
Hon-bun, whenever I see a bear driving a wicker rickshaw, you're the first thing that pops into my head. I wanna go down to chinatown, if ya know what I mean and I think you do *wiiiink*

nothing out of the ordinary here until....
you realized it was from your gramps or granny. Seriously, this would have me calling ACS, or Liutenants Stabler and Benson. It ain't right.

Now, let's move on to the second store.
Are you Seure?
I'm positive!

I bet they accept
(that's a welfare benefit for anyone who didn't grow up in NYC in the 80's and 90's)

This store was obviously THE spot to get your mylar valentine balloons. The guy couldn't inflate them fast enough.
Sna-sna- snatchin' em up.

Speaking of snatch...
luxury WHAT?

so good I had to show you twice.
(also, take notice of the terrible photoshop job on Ivanka's head)

I only like flowers when they are attached to the ground, or fake, and I contemplated buying a ton of these, but then I remembered I have better things to waste my money on, like dinner.

Remember, they were a whole dollar! Only the best for my boo.

If someone even attempted to spew some bull like this at me, I would choke the shit out of them before it completed escaping their lips, thus removing their choice in the matter.

YEAH! A Mug! Totally getting some nookie tonight. It's in the bag!

Just remember to bag it up. Plan parenthood. Please.

Love stinks. Didn't you get the memo?

I end today on an odd note. My favorite valentine video that I found on Youtube last year. I don't know why, but I can't get enough of it. Enjwah!

P.S. If you did indeed enjwah that, there's a russian version as well. It's a little diffrent, in russian and is just as hilarious. Афедронщик!

Friday, February 08, 2008

Head N!&%a In Charge

I'm about to go off topic here. I pass this bodega just about every day, and I can't help but snort to myself because I have an incurable case of gutter brain. There's obviously supposed to be a tilda on that n (like so: ñ), but it's totally impossible to see unless you're standing just beyond the overhang of the awning, and really, who is looking at the name of the shop from that angle? No one. So I'm putting it on blast. This is a Penis food market.

What do you suppose they sell in a Penis food market? I have a few ideas:

  • Hot Dogs/Corndogs
  • Vienna Sausages, Cocktail Weenies, and Chipolata.
  • All Wursts: Brats, Knocks, Knacks, Blargens, Rinds, Bocks - all that scheisse.
  • Breakfast Sausages, Chorizo, and all salchichas.
  • Salami
  • Beef Log
  • Spotted Dick Pudding
  • Nuts
  • Boars Head Deli Meats
  • Slim Jims
  • Squash
  • Cucumbers & Zuchini
  • Bananas
  • Coq Au Vin
  • Head Cheese (and I don't mean smegma, it's a real food. Disgusting, but real)

Now, no market only has food so I could only imagine they might also stock:
  • Condoms, natch.
  • Personal lubricant
  • Cock Rings, Cock Rings, Cock Rings!
  • Daschunds (Wiener dogs)
  • Heather Matarazzo Masks (Dawn Wiener!)
  • Tigi Bed Head
  • Head & Shoulders
  • Full Head Toothbrushes
  • Lemon Head Candies
  • Head Organic Styling Wax
  • Headache relief (I think that's technically called a happy ending - back room business perhaps?)
  • Blue Ball-Point Pens
  • Fleshlight (NSFW)

I think you get the point. Run with it in the comments if you like. I like comments.
Now is time for pictures.
Very impressive Mr. Geoduck!

"Any cock'll dooooooooooooooo!"
(I pulled this guy from my 99 Sense archive. He may pop up again in the future)

Yes homo.

This stock photo will probably haunt this kid for the rest of his life.

Here are some faves I pulled from Flickr:

courtesy of mesh2

courtesy of Amiko

courtesy of Trepelu

courtesy of Jan Wicher

courtesy of minusbaby

If you're still reading and recieve joy from amusing photos like me, here are some related Flickr groups to check out: Rude Food, Accidentally Erotic, Carrot Fun, Phallic Photos, and Vegetables or Fruits With Human-Like Qualities.

While we're on the subject, I also recommend checking out the blog One D At A Time (NSFW). It's not updated much anymore, because it's author Slut Machine writes full time for Jezebel now, but she's got oodles of back entries worth reading. Plus two other loosely related blogs of note: Dudes With Dogs, and CockShadows.

Last and finally, also check out Man and Wife. It's a web show starring Fatman Scoop and his wife Shanda, and they give sex advice all while being humorous, and are all together an inspiring couple displaying how keeping it real goes right. It's moving to the airwaves soon, and will probably be MTV's next big reality hit. Swear. Here's an episode relative to this entry. You know Shanda gets hers.

That's it for today's silly.