Thursday, July 12, 2007

Shovel Toothed Bastards!

ASSHOLES!

I remember learning in my forensic biology class that one of the ways forensic scientists can determine the ethnicity of a skeleton was by examining the teeth. Besides the obvious differences in skin color eye shape and hair composition, I've always noticed particular "weird" things about northern asian people that make them very different from myself, my fellow negroids, and even "them whities" as my grandfather would say. You see, people of north asian descent have pitted, or shovel shaped teeth. And that explains why that old man in chinatown I spoke to today had breath that smelled like a grave.
You can geek out on the anthropology behind the ching chong buck tooth stereotype here and here.

Anyway, you've probably heard them chinesies aren't just poisoning our dogs and cats, they've been selling us poison toothpaste because they're totes jealous of our buteous chompers (even though their shovel shaped biters are structurally stronger). Read about it here. It rings reminiscent of the beauty product terrorism the Joker unleashed in the original Batman movie, which has to mean that they watch what they bootleg. Half a billion chinese don't even brush their teeth, so they knew the damage from friendly fire was going to be minimal. Sneaky sneaky!

So if you haven't heard the warning, DON'T USE TOOTHPASTE FROM CHINA! It may have an ingredient of Antifreeze in it.
News Links
I have a particular interest in this story, because as you can probably imagine a lot of products in discount stores come from China. Especially bootleg and counterfeit ones. In fact, some of these poison toothpastes were recently still found in discount stores. Massachusetts and Rhode Island, The Tri-State area, and even in Prison...nobody is safe.

In case you were wondering, whenever I buy my own toothpaste (sometimes mom dukes hooks it up) I use Arm & Hammer toothpaste. It makes my mouth feel squeaky clean, which I desperately need because I'm usually standing on the precipice of saying something filthy, and I like the idea of there being a whole fist, arm, and mallet in my mouth, knockin' plaque and gingivitis the fuck out.

I know I'm a stereotypist shit talking jerk, and I totally just gave the Chinese a reason and way to kill me, but I'm not scared of them. The only people I truly fear are Nelly Furtado and her fucking retarded bird face (I heard that every time she smiles, a kid with a cleft palate loses their scholarship to Operation Smile), and 50 Cent. Did you see him recently on the cover of Vibe? I actually got a restraining order on an issue of a magazine! Unheard of!

25 comments:

elnie said...

Ohmigod, I hate Nelly Furtado too. Mainly because I keep getting her confused with Fergie, and I hated Fergie first (Maneater aside). Also, hi! And also, that Vibe cover will be my new source for nightmares starting now. Thanks!

Doctor Z. said...

This is a great brog. Oh wait, did I just replace the 'L' with an 'R'? Must be the Chinese in me. I enjoyed the research you put into the dentistry.
I was suprised to see that you did not mention 'Skrill-Eye', a common feature among the Chinese where they have one skrilled out cataract eye. This can be seen in many fine films where an old chinaman teaches a young american how to fight demons and such.

Wiwi Bloggs said...

speaking of fakes, my aunt is vietnamese and makes fake louis vuitton handbags and the inside of the fakes is actually better quality. the real deal bags have plastic shit on the base of the interior, but the vietnamese use patent leather!

i love this blog and just linked you xoxo wiwi
http://emancipationofwiwi.blogspot.com

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