Monday, May 14, 2007

Once More, With Feeling

A quick stop for a bottle of water at America's Discount Store in midtown turned into an unexpected photo sesh. I've covered this store before and I'm trying to stay away from documenting the same spots, but I never know what I might come across, and when the product talks, I listen.

I thought it was weird that this pack of baby wipes provided a pictoral instruction of how to water-torture a baby.

Yay! Wedgies for all ages. (re: Bloopers for Men)

Double Yay! Wedgies for all genders.
I can't help but wonder though, does the "slightly imperfect" refer to the undies, or to the "girls" that these undies are for? Because in that case, these may be special undies for the little transgendered kids that we saw chilling with Barbara Walters last week, or perhaps those with fetal alchol syndrome. You see how far apart that girl's eyes are? It's not dissimilar to FA Face.

From the look on her face, i'm guessing these were ribbed for her pleasure.

Someone should take this idea, and make a CGI animated movie about a group of hyenas that work in a sweatshop but aspire to be comedians. They strike out on their own making humorous socks, and invite some tap dancing penguins with frostbitten antartic feet to endorse their products. Licensing potential galore?
Not a good idea? Oh.
Anyhoo, I think I might go back and buy these socks. They're terrible, and that's great.


Little Debbie looks like she's been getting up to no good.
She appears to be dabbling in drugs....

Doing Dallas, 2 at a time.
(If there isn't already a porno spoof of this product there ought to be)

and constructing giant areolas for your buttcheeks.

These sound like something the Filipino coroner would find nestled between the legs of a hermetic old man who died in his treetop jungle hut.

This sounds like the perfect sex partner for a gay power bottom with high blood pressure, and a preference for white guys.

I love random use of the internet.
Like R. Kelly's album TP2.com, and Trick Daddy's album www.thug.com.
I wonder if there is anyone in the world named Dotcom yet. There should be.

woman: honey, do you love me?
man: i like you a lot, you just don't shimmer enough.

Tussy has been haunting me for more than half my life.
I had a close friend growing up, whose mother swore that her daughter was allergic to all deodorants, except this one, which is a cream deodorant. I figured it came with a pit spatula or something to apply it, but it doesn't. I found something incredibly revolting about that when I was about 11 years old, and I still do.

So my best friend and I get in her car one day, and she remembers she hasn't put on any deodorant, and she's getting sticky-icky. She asks If I have some. I do, in my backpack. I pass her my Vanilla scented Avon Cool Confidence Roll-on deodorant, that I keep handy for cases such as these. I too often forget to apply deodorant in the morning. She peers at the label. "Roll On? Cool Confidence? What is this?" Twists off the cap, and rolls it on. Approximately 30 seconds later, she looks at me, frowning, and says "More like moist insecurity!"

I am going to take a stab at what these deodorants are supposed to smell like.
This one is law enforcement.

This one is a blend of Allen Funt, and Dom DeLuise.

and this one is Mumm-Ra The Ever Living.

Now this, is a riot! Neon lice spray!
For some big fun, bug bomb a homeless shelter with this stuff, and then send all of the residents to a rave! Oh the wackiness that will ensue!

4 comments:

Alicia said...

i want to chill with little debbie. and the glowing homeless.

johanna said...

there IS a woman named dot com...
I googled for a good 20 minutes, and that's one of like 3 things i haven't been able to find. :|

the search continues.

Mike said...

LOL! Good use of Mumm-Ra.

Anonymous said...

OMG.
I too have been haunted by TUSSY for most of my life!
But that was the OLD TUSSY, the new kind i saw on your site looks sorta friendly, in a chemical-y, toxic plastic, kind of way.