Sunday, June 24, 2007

Cheap Trick

That new new in the news - On June 30th of this year, a 99¢ Only Store in Lewisville Texas will be performing 99 cent weddings. Where are the 99 cent engagement rings?

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Potshots, Part Deux

So, back to the task at hand..

shout out to my boy chest rolls
The ghost of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes demonstrates with her magical rain bonnet and unbroken hair that...

super silky jumbo need not apply.

For serious though, I'm really truly digging the weave scene in discount stores.
I wish I had hair-did skills so I could stock up and do something crazy.

This is where if I had better photoshop skills, you'd be seeing Clay Aiken doing blue steel superimposed on each of these sticks of modeling clay.

You often see these in National Geographic. Attached to Banana Tits.

Banana Tit breast reduction.

I'm anticipating white kids and toilets becoming a running feature here.

That final feature and benefit is a doozy.
The old me would have bought this in preparation to gift at the first best opportunity, like a wedding, housewarming, or Mother's Day.

That cow is looking at us with her sexiest, Schatar-iest eyes and telling us that she's tasted herself. Ga-ross.

Ghetto booty linens. Hot. Little in the middle, but she got much back.

Bootleg Ipath kicks.
Now, This guy looks like he shops strictly at discount stores when he's got the luchini to blow. He also has a socially relevant message for us all.

wait for it.....

ha ha!

I go sleep now. Good bye.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

New Jersey Drive

This native New Yorker raises her hand and proudly announces she likes New Jersey. Not like I want to live there or anything, but it contains most of the things we just don't have room for in NYC, like Midieval Times, Six Flags Great Adventure, and our garbage. Atlantic City is shittily fantastic. It's home to "Down The Shore", which is one of my favorite bits of gramatically incorrect regional vernacular, beating Hawaii's "Shave Ice" by a small sliver. Before the Jamba Juice trickled into Manhattan my best friend used to drive me to a Whole Foods in NJ just so I could fulfill an obsession I picked up on a visit to LA. I don't know if my beloved Redman would be nearly as grimy and deliciously polluted had he not grown up in Dirty Jerz. I got mad peeps from and in New Jeru, and I'm hollering, yo. You rock.

On the recommedation of a NJ resident, my previously mentioned best friend took me on a motorized journey through a tunnel, and across state lines to capture the discount essence of the Armpit Of America. One of the first things we came across was evidence that they are trying to buck the moniker.
Judging straight out my ass, I am going to guess that the notes of this perfume are derived from the essence of olive oil, garlic, Sophia Loren's ancient but timeless vagina, hair gel, and air from an accordion's bellows. Not an improvement.

Forreal tho, we went to this place in Jersey City, and probably had one of the best days of this year so far. I've already covered a few items we found in Fereshte Direct, and this spot was home to that insane Wolfmother's day lamp.

right off the bat, my friend pointed out this bad ass
and sent me on a mission following this chick around the store trying to discreetly take a picture of her ass.

Lusti Professional Cholesterol ought to be the name of a plus size modeling agency.

This is what you apply before you put lotion on, to ensure that your other lotion goes on smooth.

Who's bite size, the dog, or the kid?
In Korea, the dog.
In my mind, the kid. Just look at the way she's holding that dog. She's totally going to get her little button nose tore the fuck off.

If you didn't already notice, my mind works like a giant word and picture association game.
I want somebody to take a stab at what song popped into my head after seeing these two shower cap packages. It's really not that hard. If someone guesses right, I'll give you a prize.

Forget the black people on these packages, I'm here to talk about about how Martin Sheen's real name is Ramon Estevez. Charlie is a faker too. Emilio is the one who represents with Ethnic Sheen.

New Benign Girl! This chick is EVERYWHERE!
A friend of mine was recently in Guatemala, and the small child of his host family even had a Benign Girl phone.

Coconut Juice with Meat is begging to be a tropically set tranny porn.
It would make me endlessly happy if it starred Jaslene, the most recent winner of America's Next Top Model, and Raci, the deaf filipino mtf from TransGeneration. Top it off with Marlee Matlin, and that shit would be the next Deaf Comedy Jam.

I've been stuck on what to say about these two. I just love them. That's all.

Menstrual emergency in aisle 3.

Complete crazyness. An abortion kit?

I kid!

When it comes down to it, i think the only reason I only photographed these because they're in a discount store. I see them in pet stores, and have even bought ears for my dog before, and haven't thought twice.

WTF! WTF! WTF is this doing in a people store?
This came home with me. Unbelievable.

Someone has surely and entirely lost an eyelid using one of these. Or a labia.

This post is either getting entirely too long, or I just made myself feel weird. More on this locations finds when I don't feel so creepy inside.