Sunday, January 28, 2007

Tyra Knows What's Up


Wednesday, January 17, 2007

"The Dream Is Still Alive"

- Wilson Phillips
watch here. Listen and weep. It just makes me wanna...hold on for one more day!

My finds from 99 Dreams continue today. Are you ready?

Although passion and softness are two things that I really appreciate in regards to things that touch my womanhood, pads are way not the move. I'm reminded of a tampon commercial my friends and I found hilarious in the early 90's Wilson Phillips era, where a teenage girl emerges from a bathroom to show her friends her date outfit, and one of them asks her in a rad valley girl voice, "Are you wearing a pad? It's kinda bulky!"
What a trauma!
so on that note, Julie, I know there's pain. Why do you lock yourself up in these chains?

On a quick serious note: Click here to virtually donate much needed tampons and pads to women's shelters in your state. While donations of clothing, diapers and other needs are often met, this necessity is often overlooked.

the fuck...
es esto?
First the Pizza Sambos and now this? 4 varieties of latino soap. Warsh the dirty mexicans and shit. Discount stores be straight up racialist!
How much do you wanna bet they stock this at the hotel California tho?

Oh ginger snap! The Virgin Mary's cookie!

you got served.

just plain weird.

Survey: Mr. Clean's envious brother, or his competitive yet underachieving boyfriend?
Either way, I bet he's great for cleaning seamen.

Cute and kinda Engrish.
Here's another example of it's use
The artwork by the way, was hideous.

A combination of Engrish, blatant bootleggery and perhaps carelessness. Bust how they mangled Cross Country, there is no motorcycle, and the statement on the bootleg McDonalds truck says "More Delicacy More Happiness" and the bootleg Coke is Coco Col.

I was drawn to this high grade terylene muffle because i didn't know what terylene was but it looked very cheap. I did a little research and turns out it's mostly used to make jewish table linens and yarmukles. Ouch.

Someone should send a case of these muffles to Britney Spears. She'd love them.

Bootleg Hello Kitty products can't stop, won't stop.

cuz you're a...

also note: these dolls look like Wendy and Chyna from Wilson Phillips!

Monday, January 15, 2007

I Have A Dream

On this Martin Luther King holiday, I too had a dream.

as real as it may seem....
it was only in my dreams.

So today's post is about dreamy things I found in midtown Manhattan's 99¢ Dreams.

yes please.



this baby is dreaming so deeply, she doesn't even realize she's taking off all her panties.

Sambo pizza chefs? Now that's what I call equality!

Ooh, now here's my nightmare.
This ugly Russian bitch kept following me around the store,
smoothin out my sheets, and soakin in my tub.

I know hotlinking is bad, but I can't find an audio host of my own, and in my typical tacky fashion, I want to send you off today with an audio clip from one of my favorite movies ever, Coming To America. "You ain't never met Martin Luther The King". Keep dreamin, kiddoes.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

God Shed His Grace On Thee

I visited America's 99 Cent Store also on 45th between 5th and 6th. That's what I think it was called. If it's not that, I'm close. It was relatively boring for a 99 cent store, and that made me a little sad. And that in itself is sad. But let's not dwell on sadness, unless of course you want to return to innocence and sade donne moi along with me to that song by Enigma. Lets look at the few items I found worth documenting.

Yeah, so, I Heart NY magnets. Let's read some of these names now...Ernesto, Guadalupe, Salvador, Susana, Juanita, Alma, Florencia, Rosalia...where'd they get these, the New York flight terminal at the airport in Puerto Rico?

No lie, I have a dog named Starr. This box says this is her dog.

For your baby slut

So your baby slut don't get Amber Alerted.

I tried to figure out what was supposed to be funny about this piano, and I couldn't even get it to piano.

Yay! Engrish!

I think I'm gonna name my kid Presentability. Did you know The RZA has a kid named Understanding?

The side of the box shows that they also made bootleg Snoopy, Hello Kitty and Pokemon Elegant Lamps. I love lamp.

This figurine was so ugly, I...I...I just don't even know what to say. I wish I bought it.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Attention Deficate

I know it's a little early to be straying from the theme of my blog, but i had two beers and was out on the street tonight, and I captured these store signs that gave me shits and giggles minus the poop.

right nexta
which if they'd teamed up, should definitely sell

you dropped the extra o's but dude, your store is still doo doo.

Random pointless fact that I wish I didnt know so I didnt feel compelled to point it out: the actress that played the mother of the character Mike Teevee in the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory movie's real name was Dodo Denney.

somebody, cast me on a pop culture game show already.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Toys For Tots

I checked out Jack's World on 45th between 5th and 6th Ave in Manhattan recently. They are not a 99 cent store, but more of a brand name discount store. I noticed they had a pretty awesome toy section. Wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it go.

First up, is this unicorn-pegasus jumpsuit costume. I love jumpsuits. I'm sure that If I had a kid, they would also love jumpsuits, and if they didn't I would force them to, and that excites me. So now I'm basically begging someone to knock me up, so I have a reason to buy this jumpsuit, so I can torture my child. That, or I'm looking for Rick Moranis so he can honey I shrunk the me, so that I can fit into the outfit, prance and whinny and sparkle.

This is a 27 piece subway sandwich playset. Preparing children for a lifetime of servitude in minimum wage.

These are just kind of awesome.

On first glance, I thought this box said Club Bitch Day, but I was wrong. Nolee, let's rock!

I found the Hello Kitty discount black hole.
If you know any Hello Kitty freaks in NYC, send em over. Shit is cheap.

dining set, $3.99

bubblegum girlfriends PC game, $6.99

4 piece pez set in a lunchbox! I forgethowmuch.99
(too bad i don't collect pez dispensers anymore)

Marshmallow pops $.99

Magic ink game book (i love these things!) $4.99

No joke but as an adult I always kind of dreamed of having a decorative shelf or two or five with wig heads, and/or Barbie styling heads on it in my living room. The only Barbie I had that I truly liked as a kid was my styling head. Now I can fulfill my dreams, and on the discount tip! I only wish they had the hispanic barbie Teresa, or the black one Christine as well. I'm into Equal opportunity head.

Are realities in a box anything like dick in a box?
Just say yes.

And finally, the finale.
Twitchy, like the anticipation of presenting a dick in a box: Barbie's cousin My Scene Fab Faces.

Now you know what 'Lil Kim will look like when you kidnap her and encase her in your plastic lair.