Wednesday, June 06, 2007

New Jersey Drive

This native New Yorker raises her hand and proudly announces she likes New Jersey. Not like I want to live there or anything, but it contains most of the things we just don't have room for in NYC, like Midieval Times, Six Flags Great Adventure, and our garbage. Atlantic City is shittily fantastic. It's home to "Down The Shore", which is one of my favorite bits of gramatically incorrect regional vernacular, beating Hawaii's "Shave Ice" by a small sliver. Before the Jamba Juice trickled into Manhattan my best friend used to drive me to a Whole Foods in NJ just so I could fulfill an obsession I picked up on a visit to LA. I don't know if my beloved Redman would be nearly as grimy and deliciously polluted had he not grown up in Dirty Jerz. I got mad peeps from and in New Jeru, and I'm hollering, yo. You rock.

On the recommedation of a NJ resident, my previously mentioned best friend took me on a motorized journey through a tunnel, and across state lines to capture the discount essence of the Armpit Of America. One of the first things we came across was evidence that they are trying to buck the moniker.
Judging straight out my ass, I am going to guess that the notes of this perfume are derived from the essence of olive oil, garlic, Sophia Loren's ancient but timeless vagina, hair gel, and air from an accordion's bellows. Not an improvement.

Forreal tho, we went to this place in Jersey City, and probably had one of the best days of this year so far. I've already covered a few items we found in Fereshte Direct, and this spot was home to that insane Wolfmother's day lamp.

right off the bat, my friend pointed out this bad ass
and sent me on a mission following this chick around the store trying to discreetly take a picture of her ass.

Lusti Professional Cholesterol ought to be the name of a plus size modeling agency.

This is what you apply before you put lotion on, to ensure that your other lotion goes on smooth.

Who's bite size, the dog, or the kid?
In Korea, the dog.
In my mind, the kid. Just look at the way she's holding that dog. She's totally going to get her little button nose tore the fuck off.

If you didn't already notice, my mind works like a giant word and picture association game.
I want somebody to take a stab at what song popped into my head after seeing these two shower cap packages. It's really not that hard. If someone guesses right, I'll give you a prize.

Forget the black people on these packages, I'm here to talk about about how Martin Sheen's real name is Ramon Estevez. Charlie is a faker too. Emilio is the one who represents with Ethnic Sheen.

New Benign Girl! This chick is EVERYWHERE!
A friend of mine was recently in Guatemala, and the small child of his host family even had a Benign Girl phone.

Coconut Juice with Meat is begging to be a tropically set tranny porn.
It would make me endlessly happy if it starred Jaslene, the most recent winner of America's Next Top Model, and Raci, the deaf filipino mtf from TransGeneration. Top it off with Marlee Matlin, and that shit would be the next Deaf Comedy Jam.

I've been stuck on what to say about these two. I just love them. That's all.

Menstrual emergency in aisle 3.

Complete crazyness. An abortion kit?

I kid!

When it comes down to it, i think the only reason I only photographed these because they're in a discount store. I see them in pet stores, and have even bought ears for my dog before, and haven't thought twice.

WTF! WTF! WTF is this doing in a people store?
This came home with me. Unbelievable.

Someone has surely and entirely lost an eyelid using one of these. Or a labia.

This post is either getting entirely too long, or I just made myself feel weird. More on this locations finds when I don't feel so creepy inside.


Diana said...

what? I've already read this! this ain't new!

kangsta said...

ok, so you read it in that few hour window that i had it posted before. but i added to it. i hit a wall. of shaved vagina. sue me!

Elliette Devine said...

OH EM GEE. I DID NOT WANT your blog to end. You just had me dying at work. And i just started at a new job and it's very quiet here!!! I actually had to get up and go to the kitchen to get water and take a break because my stomach was hurting from silent laughing.

Def post more when the mood strikes. Your Sophia Loren comment put me over the edge. bwaaaaahahaha!!!!! Thank you for making my day, yet again!

Domenique said...

back around '92, horse products were all the rage for fancy ladies like my mom. they went out in droves to buy things like "mane and tail shampoo" and special hoof cream for their nails because someone told these crazy women that horse products were ultra-moisturizing.

I'm pretty sure Oprah is responsible.

Maritza said...

You are too funny. My sides hurt from laughing so much. I'm so glad the gods of the 99 cent shops put you in my path.

Kent said...

I really want to be there in some sort of kismet-style coincidence when you're following someone around, trying to take pictures of their ass. SURREPTITIOUSLY, mind you. I'll even help.

Funniest thing I've read in days. You are my new favorite.