Monday, December 31, 2007

Pretty Crappy

I wanna make this blog pretty. All this stark whiteness is making me feel like I need to weave some kinte cloth, harvest yams, and get bitten by a tsetse fly.

By pretty, I mean pretty/crappy of course. You know my steez.
Can someone point me to some sort of customize your blogger templates website for blogtards? I couldn't even figure out how to do the "read more after the jump" thing that people do, and I'm a certified genius.

Wheeee! Lets make this new year super happy.

Whether you adore or abhor me, I have another blog, Toob Tops. I talk a lot less, and generally make it weird. Maybe check it out or something.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

You Want A Piece Of Me?

New Computer!
No thanks to most of you, but a thank you shout for support goes out to Little Orphan Annie (a solid, solid dude), LiciaLo, V. Fun T, and My Mistress Nelbow. Youda best.

Today's installment of 99 Sense is brought to you by the letter Spears. As I was walking around 99¢ City in Downtown Brooklyn, just about every other piece of shit I saw reminded me Britney, Jamie-Lynn, or matriarch Lynn. What a year it's been for those three. I'm not about to make it any easier, so grab a Frapp and a bag of cheetos and we're off!

You shouldn't need to read the gossip rags in order to know that this mug pretty much sums up everything that has happened since Britney filed for divorce from Kevin, and with much bravery and class alerted him of such via text message (video booya!)


Chica got face jacked by some cheap ass perfume.

About touring, Britney was once quoted as saying "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."

Even 99 Cent store dolls have better weave.

Rather than indulging in the constant partying, a little more work with these might have hushed some of the flack about her looks during her VMA performance

She owns these, right? Got to.
these too prolly.
Lets just wait and see if she again decides to spontaneously run into the malibu surf in her underwear to see.

I don't remember if Britney actually pierced her bellybutton or not, but she certainly looks like the kind of tart that would.

One, Two, Three Times a Lady. Britney's upskirt threepeat last year was the most blatant display of celebritwat in the history of the world part 3.

Promises' pansy ass rehab, in a box.

1 part producer Nate "Danja" Hills
and equal parts herbs
and T-Pain
And we've got chartbusting hit album Blackout.
Don't front. Piece of Me is a jam and a half. Up her derrière.
I love it.

The question oft asked..

We are very aware this is not an option.

I imagined Britney (and Jamie-Lynn in 6 months) dressing their lil' lousiana star babies up in this thing and acting all Anna Nicole in clown makeup, and I cried a little, but mostly laughed.

It was reported that Britney fed Sean P, and Jayden J ice cream to shut them up and make them fall asleep. My mother-friends say that makes no sense, but perhaps she was on to something.

With their Pimps and Maids sweatsuits, Brit-n-Kev's wedding was certainly one to remember. Considering that it's been reported Britney has lesbionic tendencies, let's just hope this book was really a pack of tarot cards, I'm the new Miss Cleo, and this is my free readin'.

What kind of kids was you raisin' Lynne?
Brit's most likely getting the old Michael Jackson yes-man treatment from those around her these days, which is a damn shame, but ought to lead to even more acts of desperate rediculous behavior - so I'm just sitting here in my barcalounger saying bring it on.

Final Words...
In my search for an image from brit-kev's wedding i came across these creepy videos made by a man who calls himself Emotionizer. Shit'redic.

Monday, December 03, 2007

White Flight

I'm not usually an instigator, but I've been known to roll with a few. I remember this one time I was hanging out and walking around the Columbus Circle/Lincoln Center area of Manhattan with a bunch of kids that I'd gone to summer camp with. The second session kids came through in numbers. I ought to tell you that they were mostly black. This one particular kid had an EPMD tape in his quote unquote ghetto blaster and really got a kick out of blasting the intro of the song "Head Banger" repeatedly. I'm going to assume you don't know what that sounds like, so imagine this guy yelling NEGROOOOOOOOES!!!!! over and over and over and over. It was one of those jokes that went on too long, and I was kind of afraid I was going to run into one of my neighbors or something. But after 5 minutes of this, the non-black kids joined in, the old ladies were nearly breaking their osteo-arthritic bones to get away from us and I was laughing so hard I thought I was gonna pee my pants.

That's just another rambling introduction to this video that features uppity white people vomiting in their mouths a little bit at the thought of a 99 cent store opening on Rodeo Drive.

You can run, but you can't hide. Much like Gloria Estefan warned us about the rhythm, the discount is gonna get'cha.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Help a Ho Ho Ho?!?!?!

The best nation is a donation. A homeless man told me that, and I think it's important for me to spread the word. TV and movies tell me that homeless men usually have all kinds of secret informations, and can help solve crimes, survive through natural disasters, and can lead us to the sacred cross dagger of Ajanti so we can save The Golden Child.

So let's pretend my computer hard drive is The Golden Child. Sardo Numspa (bad guy) has kidnapped "The Golden Child" and it is contained, powerless, in a metal cage surrounded by evil on all sides. You (readers) are all Chandler Jerrell (Eddie Murphy) and your money is Kee, his trusty, sexy sidekick who really does all the asskicking.

Come and save the fucking Golden Child. OK? You, Chandler, get your Kee together, forgive the naked bum who took your hundred dollar bill, and go get that sacred cross dagger of Ajanti. Why? Cuz I-I-I-I-I want the knife. Please.

That's not even a smart analogy, and I wrote it anyway. See how much help I need? It goes beyond not having a computer for months and months. Sally Strutherize my ass. I'll even take a picture of my bloated stomach, and find some flies to put on my face, and write you like a damn pen pal.

You know you want her.

in painless installments of .99¢ maybe?
miniscule nuggets of currency.
help a sister out.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Rememories - Black Friday Failed Me

Ayo everybody, I'm sorry for not posting in a long time.
I miss you.
I miss me.
I miss crap.

So wha happened was, my shit-ass computer decided to stop working after less than two years, and I don't have the money to get a new one, or to fix it. No more black-friday door-busting, low budget electronics for me. I also have tons of 99 Sense photos trapped inside said shit-ass computer, and I gotta pay to get em out. No money, mo problems. Turns out blogging about crap in discount stores isn't very lucrative.
But since I've been a very good girl this year, maybe Santa will bring me a new laptop. I may even pray to baby jesus.

Anyways, here's some celebrity breaking news, fresh from TMZ. Avril Levigne & Derrick Whibley shop sensibly.

Broken celebrities,
Please buy me a new computer.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Shovel Toothed Bastards!


I remember learning in my forensic biology class that one of the ways forensic scientists can determine the ethnicity of a skeleton was by examining the teeth. Besides the obvious differences in skin color eye shape and hair composition, I've always noticed particular "weird" things about northern asian people that make them very different from myself, my fellow negroids, and even "them whities" as my grandfather would say. You see, people of north asian descent have pitted, or shovel shaped teeth. And that explains why that old man in chinatown I spoke to today had breath that smelled like a grave.
You can geek out on the anthropology behind the ching chong buck tooth stereotype here and here.

Anyway, you've probably heard them chinesies aren't just poisoning our dogs and cats, they've been selling us poison toothpaste because they're totes jealous of our buteous chompers (even though their shovel shaped biters are structurally stronger). Read about it here. It rings reminiscent of the beauty product terrorism the Joker unleashed in the original Batman movie, which has to mean that they watch what they bootleg. Half a billion chinese don't even brush their teeth, so they knew the damage from friendly fire was going to be minimal. Sneaky sneaky!

So if you haven't heard the warning, DON'T USE TOOTHPASTE FROM CHINA! It may have an ingredient of Antifreeze in it.
News Links
I have a particular interest in this story, because as you can probably imagine a lot of products in discount stores come from China. Especially bootleg and counterfeit ones. In fact, some of these poison toothpastes were recently still found in discount stores. Massachusetts and Rhode Island, The Tri-State area, and even in Prison...nobody is safe.

In case you were wondering, whenever I buy my own toothpaste (sometimes mom dukes hooks it up) I use Arm & Hammer toothpaste. It makes my mouth feel squeaky clean, which I desperately need because I'm usually standing on the precipice of saying something filthy, and I like the idea of there being a whole fist, arm, and mallet in my mouth, knockin' plaque and gingivitis the fuck out.

I know I'm a stereotypist shit talking jerk, and I totally just gave the Chinese a reason and way to kill me, but I'm not scared of them. The only people I truly fear are Nelly Furtado and her fucking retarded bird face (I heard that every time she smiles, a kid with a cleft palate loses their scholarship to Operation Smile), and 50 Cent. Did you see him recently on the cover of Vibe? I actually got a restraining order on an issue of a magazine! Unheard of!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Cheap Trick

That new new in the news - On June 30th of this year, a 99¢ Only Store in Lewisville Texas will be performing 99 cent weddings. Where are the 99 cent engagement rings?

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Potshots, Part Deux

So, back to the task at hand..

shout out to my boy chest rolls
The ghost of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes demonstrates with her magical rain bonnet and unbroken hair that...

super silky jumbo need not apply.

For serious though, I'm really truly digging the weave scene in discount stores.
I wish I had hair-did skills so I could stock up and do something crazy.

This is where if I had better photoshop skills, you'd be seeing Clay Aiken doing blue steel superimposed on each of these sticks of modeling clay.

You often see these in National Geographic. Attached to Banana Tits.

Banana Tit breast reduction.

I'm anticipating white kids and toilets becoming a running feature here.

That final feature and benefit is a doozy.
The old me would have bought this in preparation to gift at the first best opportunity, like a wedding, housewarming, or Mother's Day.

That cow is looking at us with her sexiest, Schatar-iest eyes and telling us that she's tasted herself. Ga-ross.

Ghetto booty linens. Hot. Little in the middle, but she got much back.

Bootleg Ipath kicks.
Now, This guy looks like he shops strictly at discount stores when he's got the luchini to blow. He also has a socially relevant message for us all.

wait for it.....

ha ha!

I go sleep now. Good bye.