New Jersey Drive

This native New Yorker raises her hand and proudly announces she likes New Jersey. Not like I want to live there or anything, but it contains most of the things we just don't have room for in NYC, like Midieval Times, Six Flags Great Adventure, and our garbage. Atlantic City is shittily fantastic. It's home to "Down The Shore", which is one of my favorite bits of gramatically incorrect regional vernacular, beating Hawaii's "Shave Ice" by a small sliver. Before the Jamba Juice trickled into Manhattan my best friend used to drive me to a Whole Foods in NJ just so I could fulfill an obsession I picked up on a visit to LA. I don't know if my beloved Redman would be nearly as grimy and deliciously polluted had he not grown up in Dirty Jerz. I got mad peeps from and in New Jeru, and I'm hollering, yo. You rock.

On the recommedation of a NJ resident, my previously mentioned best friend took me on a motorized journey through a tunnel, and across state lines to capture the discount essence of the Armpit Of America. One of the first things we came across was evidence that they are trying to buck the moniker.
Judging straight out my ass, I am going to guess that the notes of this perfume are derived from the essence of olive oil, garlic, Sophia Loren's ancient but timeless vagina, hair gel, and air from an accordion's bellows. Not an improvement.

Forreal tho, we went to this place in Jersey City, and probably had one of the best days of this year so far. I've already covered a few items we found in Fereshte Direct, and this spot was home to that insane Wolfmother's day lamp.

right off the bat, my friend pointed out this bad ass

and sent me on a mission following this chick around the store trying to discreetly take a picture of her ass.

Lusti Professional Cholesterol ought to be the name of a plus size modeling agency.

This is what you apply before you put lotion on, to ensure that your other lotion goes on smooth.

Who's bite size, the dog, or the kid?
In Korea, the dog.
In my mind, the kid. Just look at the way she's holding that dog. She's totally going to get her little button nose tore the fuck off.

If you didn't already notice, my mind works like a giant word and picture association game.
I want somebody to take a stab at what song popped into my head after seeing these two shower cap packages. It's really not that hard. If someone guesses right, I'll give you a prize.

Forget the black people on these packages, I'm here to talk about about how Martin Sheen's real name is Ramon Estevez. Charlie is a faker too. Emilio is the one who represents with Ethnic Sheen.

New Benign Girl! This chick is EVERYWHERE!
A friend of mine was recently in Guatemala, and the small child of his host family even had a Benign Girl phone.

Coconut Juice with Meat is begging to be a tropically set tranny porn.
It would make me endlessly happy if it starred Jaslene, the most recent winner of America's Next Top Model, and Raci, the deaf filipino mtf from TransGeneration. Top it off with Marlee Matlin, and that shit would be the next Deaf Comedy Jam.

I've been stuck on what to say about these two. I just love them. That's all.

Menstrual emergency in aisle 3.

Complete crazyness. An abortion kit?
Gross!

I kid!

When it comes down to it, i think the only reason I only photographed these because they're in a discount store. I see them in pet stores, and have even bought ears for my dog before, and haven't thought twice.


WTF?
WTF! WTF! WTF is this doing in a people store?
This came home with me. Unbelievable.

Someone has surely and entirely lost an eyelid using one of these. Or a labia.

This post is either getting entirely too long, or I just made myself feel weird. More on this locations finds when I don't feel so creepy inside.

Backed Up

I've hit a little episode of bloggers block. More than half of a post has been ready for a week, and i can't seem to eek it out.
Good thing it's Fleet Week here in NYC.


if anybody out there has any techniques to butt-douche the mind, they would be greatly appreciated.

Once More, With Feeling

A quick stop for a bottle of water at America's Discount Store in midtown turned into an unexpected photo sesh. I've covered this store before and I'm trying to stay away from documenting the same spots, but I never know what I might come across, and when the product talks, I listen.

I thought it was weird that this pack of baby wipes provided a pictoral instruction of how to water-torture a baby.

Yay! Wedgies for all ages. (re: Bloopers for Men)

Double Yay! Wedgies for all genders.

I can't help but wonder though, does the "slightly imperfect" refer to the undies, or to the "girls" that these undies are for? Because in that case, these may be special undies for the little transgendered kids that we saw chilling with Barbara Walters last week, or perhaps those with fetal alchol syndrome. You see how far apart that girl's eyes are? It's not dissimilar to FA Face.

From the look on her face, i'm guessing these were ribbed for her pleasure.

Someone should take this idea, and make a CGI animated movie about a group of hyenas that work in a sweatshop but aspire to be comedians. They strike out on their own making humorous socks, and invite some tap dancing penguins with frostbitten antartic feet to endorse their products. Licensing potential galore?
Not a good idea? Oh.
Anyhoo, I think I might go back and buy these socks. They're terrible, and that's great.

Little Debbie looks like she's been getting up to no good.

She appears to be dabbling in drugs....

Doing Dallas, 2 at a time.
(If there isn't already a porno spoof of this product there ought to be)

and constructing giant areolas for your buttcheeks.

These sound like something the Filipino coroner would find nestled between the legs of a hermetic old man who died in his treetop jungle hut.

This sounds like the perfect sex partner for a gay power bottom with high blood pressure, and a preference for white guys.

I love random use of the internet.
Like R. Kelly's album TP2.com, and Trick Daddy's album www.thug.com.
I wonder if there is anyone in the world named Dotcom yet. There should be.

woman: honey, do you love me?
man: i like you a lot, you just don't shimmer enough.

Tussy has been haunting me for more than half my life.
I had a close friend growing up, whose mother swore that her daughter was allergic to all deodorants, except this one, which is a cream deodorant. I figured it came with a pit spatula or something to apply it, but it doesn't. I found something incredibly revolting about that when I was about 11 years old, and I still do.

So my best friend and I get in her car one day, and she remembers she hasn't put on any deodorant, and she's getting sticky-icky. She asks If I have some. I do, in my backpack. I pass her my Vanilla scented Avon Cool Confidence Roll-on deodorant, that I keep handy for cases such as these. I too often forget to apply deodorant in the morning. She peers at the label. "Roll On? Cool Confidence? What is this?" Twists off the cap, and rolls it on. Approximately 30 seconds later, she looks at me, frowning, and says "More like moist insecurity!"

I am going to take a stab at what these deodorants are supposed to smell like.
This one is law enforcement.

This one is a blend of Allen Funt, and Dom DeLuise.

and this one is Mumm-Ra The Ever Living.

Now this, is a riot! Neon lice spray!
For some big fun, bug bomb a homeless shelter with this stuff, and then send all of the residents to a rave! Oh the wackiness that will ensue!

To A Restaurant, Upper Eschelon

You're not Kanye, and you didn't write your mom a song. I know it. Maybe you made her a lame mixtape that hopefully doesn't start with the line "Hey Mama, this that shit that make you move Mama" unless of course your mom is a stripper, or you happen to be the woman who unleashed that retard Will.I.Am through her hopefully regretful vagina. The question I am getting around to asking is, what did you do for your mom for Mother's Day? Here is my list of things I sensed available, that I wish came with an automatic smack to the face with a bologna log upon purchase.

You probably can't tell, but this is a mother's day lamp with faux roses.
and

Wolf shades.
Indie rock just turned into an adult contemporary gift.

That's like chump change you toss in a cup to the doo-wop guys on the subway.
Cheaper than an issue of Street News, or In Touch.
Treat your mom better than you do the homeless.

if this makes your mom feel special, she's crap and deserves it.

The mom that recieves the broken one is suicidal.
They say it's the thought that counts...And that's why she's suicidal.

get your shit together.

liar.

I bet gifts like these are unpopular in lesbian-run families. Who gets to be #1? Everybody can't be a winner.

Worlo.

i still don't believe you.

You might as well get her a shit bitch bear.

Unless she asks for one, I doubt your mom needs another mug. do you know what moms have gaggles of, besides pain in the ass kids? Mugs.

Love your mom every day. Stop the commercial bullshittery.