Fereshte Direct

My Fereshte

It started here. My Persian friend was on a family trip to the Grand Canyon, and on the advice of his Persian mother, bought a statuette of a little black angel in pajamas as a souvenir for me. That was kind of weird because I'd met the woman once. But I'm kinda weird, and I dug it big time. I like to know that I am in people's black thoughts (but do not confuse me with the guy from The Roots). Then I saw the movie Crash, and you know that scene where the Persian store owner guy busts a cap at the little hispanic girl and she doesn't die because the gun was loaded with blanks, and he breaks down all weepy like a bitch and calls her his fereshte? Well, that was the most hilarious scene in that rediculous movie and Fereshte means angel in Farsi. So, I named her that. In this Lomo Pop 9 photo, My Fereshte is perched inside my medicine cabinet, next to a box of "tattoo" band-aids purchased at a 99¢ Only Stores. She has since been injured in a cross-country move, and cannot be repaired with the simple peel and stick of a tattoo bandaid, but I will fix her soon. Especially because she might get some new friends, and I don't want her to have a handicapped deformity-inferiority complex. She's my alpha statuette.

In general I like photographs of toys, dolls and statuettes. They are cute, fantastic and creepy. Brooklyn's Dollar Dream and Jersey City's 99¢ Super Store (more on this place in a future post) supplied some stellar additions to my fancy. I am seriously considering starting a collection of statuettes. Like I need more junk. This post is way too about me, so let's cut the crap and get to sensin.

This is Heidi Klum's new baby Johan cuz the way he's propped up, his daddy must be a Seal.

This is adorable, and looks a lot like me as a baby. They really broke the mold with me, and like Missy Elliot says "my style can not be duplicated or recycled. This chick is a sick individual"
Narcisissm. Bite it.

Oprah's Angel Network

I feel like this is a scene from the aftermath of the Asian Tsunami. Babies floating on giant Papaya boats trying to eat, and survive drowning at the same time. Survival's a bitch.

One more baby and this would have been a hit TLC song.

Future video ho. She has been influenced by rap music at a very tender age, and is attempting to get her eagle on.

That Anne Geddes shit is mad corny.

Perez Hilton has nothing on me. Zahara Jolie and David Banda pose for their first photshoot for Bono's One campaign. 99 SENSE EXCLUSIVE!!!

Afro-lesbian wedding cake toppers. No lie. (Slight lesbo-exaggeration)

White babies are the new Guatemalan maids.
Whoever had the brilliant idea of sculpting a white baby plunging a toilet ought to be my best friend. And you know it ain't her log clog cuz the kid doesn't even use the toilet, she's still in diapers!

At some point, Jesus is going to become more than a role model for Christians, but for the Pro-Ana movement. It's inevitable.

Every statuette aisle has a red-light district for pedophiles and their little baby whores.
Seriously, what's up with that? If you look closely, they even have ass-crackletoe.

It's Oprah as Miss Sophia in the Color Purple: The Musical, and her little Gayle doll.

We just need one more with a microphone and we can package the three up, and sell them on BETQVC as the black american dream trio.

I swear I didn't put that little boy on the dog. But whoever did, thank you.

Big Up To Brooklyn

Finally! It has happened to me. Right in front of my face, and I just cannot hide it. Did you think I was going to keep on walking, I ain't talking to you anymore? Well, now I've come along, and brightened up your wo-o-orld, because I went out on 2 fantastic 99 Sense missions last week and I'm tossin', turnin. My heart's burning from the things I saw. I've also decided to live my life like it was like a mash up of CeCe Peniston songs. Sue me. That chick had undeniable pep.

So what I dids was

to Fort Greene, Brooklyn, and hit up this sizeable outlet.
it felt
And the first thing I'm going to do is shout out my homegirl. To any and all of my friends reading this, from this point on, if I ever see your name on a discount something, you're gonna get a shout out. Know this!

No Show Ped is something that happens on Law & Order: SVU when the perp jumps bail.

Now, to tell you the complete and honest truth, I'm a hybrid of CeCe-Beyonce-Natalie Imbruglia because I saw so many fantastic things this week that I'm feeling soooo crazy right now, and I'm completely torn about the direction to take this post in. I really need to clear my head. So, when in doubt, douche.

Choose the flavor that is right for you!

Introducing the America Ferrera feminine hygiene collection. Made with Sweet Love. The most trusted celebrity for douching, reminding you that even if your "Betty" down below is ugly, she doesn't have to be smelly.

The reason you douche is because you have a yodel of musk. This takes it down to a whisper.

Correct me if I'm wrong ladies, but if your Gyna smelled like a strawberry shortcake doll, you'd be more paranoid that passersby could smell it, than confident, right?
That or you'd start doing doing yoga to increase your flexibility to get your nose closer to your crotch for some up close sniffies. Strawberry shortcake doll scent was like crack.

By unique cleansing and deodorizing effect, I really hope they mean that they've invited those scrubbing bubbles to the party in your panties. All those little mustaches! Don't front like that doesn't sound like fun.

More like The Lost Book. When you're the former NYC Police Commissioner, and your book ends up at a 99 cent store in the city where you formally commissed, that shit is just cold. They should have outleted these in Boston, where people front like they definitely don't care, but they might buy it because they actually do, and are looking for some more good ideas that are about a decade behind the times.

Finally, a cereal made just for me!

Step on these to break your mother's back.
(corny, I know.)

You know how they say asian guys have little penises? And how chicks love them donkey dick motherfuckers? It's great that the chinese have discovered a supplement that when used in tea tricks women into thinking they've found their very own Long Dong Silver. Crafty asians!

Two Chungs at one time! Threesome Tea!

I've already covered corned beef in juices in this post, but what I find interesting is that both were made in Uruguay. I have to say that I'm slightly intrigued to find out more about the potted meat industry and precicely what part Uruguay plays in it. I love the Guays. Uru, and Para. I'm down with some Guay pride.

I saw this and was like Duh! What else do you do with rice?
Which got me thinking, (not hard, mind you)
Blow Up Rice?
Throw Up Rice?
What else up would you do with rice? Leave me a comment.
I never thought I'd see rice marketed to Oreos.

Don't they mean China?
Oh no, rice again!
(sorry for all the possible anti-asian sentiment today, that's just the way the fortune cookie crumbles)

These two items aren't particularly amusing, but I'm for really real terribly allergic to seafood visually, orally, stomachly, scentally, and the whole shebang. There was a whole section of terrible awful disgusting Vitarroz seafood products and I was only able to capture a couple of the worst offenders before the warm gonna vom juice let loose in my mouth. I will have nightmares for months.

Here's where imagination fun happens. From what I gather, Melloream is some fake milk derivitive. Not interesting. But when i saw the word Melloream and the cow, i thought "Cow Delorean", and imagined that the cow was like, from back to the future, but really from the past, like Oregon Trail days, and That Doc, and Marty and I would ride the flying time traveling cow to places where we didn't need roads, and then we would all die of dysentery.

More fun with my thoughts...At a Los Angeles environmental conference on clean air attended by Governator Arnold Swarzenegger, a Soy Bomb-like heckler bursts through the crowd and hurls this at Arnie exclaiming "Cohagen, give the people air!"

99 Sensing is fundamental. I actually learn things sometimes. I was drawn to the twin elephantitis of this product, but also because I didn't know what Jackfruit was. And If you don't know, now you know, Nigga.
(you like how I brought it back to Biggie Smalls, whose mother famously said "Big up to Brooklyn" at the MTV VMA's when she accepted an award on her late son's behalf. Right? Oh, you didn't notice. Well, that's why I pointed it out)