Sunday, February 25, 2007

Back Like Crack

I visited Mareb 99¢+ Store Plus (that's what the awning crudely said, the "+" and the "Plus" manually added with tape and spray paint) on Lenox Ave between 115th & 116th in Harlem. It's black history month, ya know? I kindly asked the man at the register if I could snap some pictures around the store. At first they gave me the run around and said I had to talk to the boss. There were 3 guys in the store, and two of them said the next was the boss, and the third said the boss wasn't there. But they eventually came around.

So to kick it off, the cashier would like to know how you're all doing.

Just fine, thanks.

First up, I couldn't believe it. Travel size Ebon-Aide! I haven't found Ebon-Aide for sale since my previously discussed 2002 windfall. Seriously, I couldn't be more pleased. I could end this post, or my life right now.

This is Mabel. Mabel used to be part of a WWF tag team called Men On A Mission, and they were like the Fat Boys of the WWF, and I loved them. See?

Awesome black history. Sing it like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy y'all....Fat guy in a hammerpants......

There's no kitchen-ass weave complete without discount weave bonding spray. For examples of kitchen-ass weaves, please check out the cast of either season of Flavor Of Love, or visit Hot Ghetto Mess. Please.

This product is so pointless, I like to imagine it's for a weather wizard, and when applied 1.21 Jigawatts of raw electric energy will explode from their armpits. And for that purpose, with purchase of this product you're getting the best deal in the whole damn store.

Rich & Thick...This Ketchup should be repackaged and branded for Star Jones. She needs a job, right?

Benign Girl makes a triumphant comeback to the blog. I find it ironic that Benign Girl is endorsing cell phone use, when cell phones have been linked to brain tumors.

With Juices? Ugggggh! I love love love corned beef, but this can makes me want to vom. There is little more disgusting than meat juice. Or can juice. Two of my friends once drank the juice from a can of black beans in my presence, and I'm still traumatized from it. I can feel the hot vomit saliva starting to well up in my mouth right now. I have to move on.

Oh really? The bags work when I'm not at home? There isn't some odor force field that stops working 20 paces from home base like every other plastic bag? I hope you have a patent on this ground breaking technology.

Florida Water Cologne. Hmmm...I'm glad this says it's extract of oranges, cinnamon and florals, because I've been to Florida a few times and what I remember about the water is that it smells and tastes like fart.

Word up, and wash up.
If you don't know it, check out this song If You Must, by Del Tha Funkee Homosapien. It's an awesome reminder to wash your ass, your hair, and brush your teeth or else you'll be funkay.

Do I even have to say anything about this perfect find?
I'd just like to see how they're irregular. I hope they have a seam up the asscrack to lift and give definition like those Bunz underwear International Male used to sell. You probably don't know about those. But I do.

Are these for the kinky and depraved?
For people who call sex "screwing?"
For people who have sex with swine? (Did you know they have curly penises?)
I had to investigate. This is twisted pleasure.
Like fucking Mr. Softee.

I did something new. I checked out the budget DVD section. All flicks are supplied by this company DigiView, and they put out obscure DVD's that look to be of bootleg quality. But That didn't deter me from looking because sometimes the dog eats the wedding ring, and you have to dig through the excrement to find it.
And find did I do!
I picked up a little known movie called BMX Bandits, starring a 15 year old Nicole Kidman. Same rat mouth, less botox.
Check out this interview with her, featuring some clips from the flick

Now, this item is the probably the most awesome thing I have ever found in a discount store. 1982 Phillipine James Bond spoof The Impossible Kid starring Weng Weng, a 2'9" martial artist kicking all kinds of ass. He's the shortest actor to ever have a lead role in a film.
check the clip. No joke, I might have to have a viewing party for this movie.


Anonymous said...

The best part about the Weng Weng video is when the Russian? hairy back dude in the pool picks the dwarf up and they gaze lovingly into each other's eyes; that really moved me.

Micah said...

I have had Bloopers before, not the tighty-whitey kind, but the fucked up t-shirts and boxers that ride up on one leg

nell said...

i'm pretty sure it was cannelloni beans, not black beans. but we might have to get steve to verify.

DeffoTotes said...

i rolled with bloopers tighties for my entire childhood. i'm pretty sure my mom had the lock on a bloopers store.

The Goods! said...

um, I so bought BMX Bandits at the 99 cents store on Delancy and Orchard last year...i was soooo excited!!

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Anonymous said...

This is one of the best 99 cents store I've ever been to. The workers are very nice and respectful poeple.

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