Monday, April 30, 2007

Big Up To Brooklyn

Finally! It has happened to me. Right in front of my face, and I just cannot hide it. Did you think I was going to keep on walking, I ain't talking to you anymore? Well, now I've come along, and brightened up your wo-o-orld, because I went out on 2 fantastic 99 Sense missions last week and I'm tossin', turnin. My heart's burning from the things I saw. I've also decided to live my life like it was like a mash up of CeCe Peniston songs. Sue me. That chick had undeniable pep.

So what I dids was
to Fort Greene, Brooklyn, and hit up this sizeable outlet.
it felt
And the first thing I'm going to do is shout out my homegirl. To any and all of my friends reading this, from this point on, if I ever see your name on a discount something, you're gonna get a shout out. Know this!
No Show Ped is something that happens on Law & Order: SVU when the perp jumps bail.

Now, to tell you the complete and honest truth, I'm a hybrid of CeCe-Beyonce-Natalie Imbruglia because I saw so many fantastic things this week that I'm feeling soooo crazy right now, and I'm completely torn about the direction to take this post in. I really need to clear my head. So, when in doubt, douche.

Choose the flavor that is right for you!
Introducing the America Ferrera feminine hygiene collection. Made with Sweet Love. The most trusted celebrity for douching, reminding you that even if your "Betty" down below is ugly, she doesn't have to be smelly.

The reason you douche is because you have a yodel of musk. This takes it down to a whisper.

Correct me if I'm wrong ladies, but if your Gyna smelled like a strawberry shortcake doll, you'd be more paranoid that passersby could smell it, than confident, right?
That or you'd start doing doing yoga to increase your flexibility to get your nose closer to your crotch for some up close sniffies. Strawberry shortcake doll scent was like crack.

By unique cleansing and deodorizing effect, I really hope they mean that they've invited those scrubbing bubbles to the party in your panties. All those little mustaches! Don't front like that doesn't sound like fun.

More like The Lost Book. When you're the former NYC Police Commissioner, and your book ends up at a 99 cent store in the city where you formally commissed, that shit is just cold. They should have outleted these in Boston, where people front like they definitely don't care, but they might buy it because they actually do, and are looking for some more good ideas that are about a decade behind the times.

Finally, a cereal made just for me!

Step on these to break your mother's back.
(corny, I know.)

You know how they say asian guys have little penises? And how chicks love them donkey dick motherfuckers? It's great that the chinese have discovered a supplement that when used in tea tricks women into thinking they've found their very own Long Dong Silver. Crafty asians!

Two Chungs at one time! Threesome Tea!

I've already covered corned beef in juices in this post, but what I find interesting is that both were made in Uruguay. I have to say that I'm slightly intrigued to find out more about the potted meat industry and precicely what part Uruguay plays in it. I love the Guays. Uru, and Para. I'm down with some Guay pride.

I saw this and was like Duh! What else do you do with rice?
Which got me thinking, (not hard, mind you)
Blow Up Rice?
Throw Up Rice?
What else up would you do with rice? Leave me a comment.
I never thought I'd see rice marketed to Oreos.

Don't they mean China?
Oh no, rice again!
(sorry for all the possible anti-asian sentiment today, that's just the way the fortune cookie crumbles)

These two items aren't particularly amusing, but I'm for really real terribly allergic to seafood visually, orally, stomachly, scentally, and the whole shebang. There was a whole section of terrible awful disgusting Vitarroz seafood products and I was only able to capture a couple of the worst offenders before the warm gonna vom juice let loose in my mouth. I will have nightmares for months.


Here's where imagination fun happens. From what I gather, Melloream is some fake milk derivitive. Not interesting. But when i saw the word Melloream and the cow, i thought "Cow Delorean", and imagined that the cow was like, from back to the future, but really from the past, like Oregon Trail days, and That Doc, and Marty and I would ride the flying time traveling cow to places where we didn't need roads, and then we would all die of dysentery.

More fun with my thoughts...At a Los Angeles environmental conference on clean air attended by Governator Arnold Swarzenegger, a Soy Bomb-like heckler bursts through the crowd and hurls this at Arnie exclaiming "Cohagen, give the people air!"

99 Sensing is fundamental. I actually learn things sometimes. I was drawn to the twin elephantitis of this product, but also because I didn't know what Jackfruit was. And If you don't know, now you know, Nigga.
(you like how I brought it back to Biggie Smalls, whose mother famously said "Big up to Brooklyn" at the MTV VMA's when she accepted an award on her late son's behalf. Right? Oh, you didn't notice. Well, that's why I pointed it out)

7 comments:

steve said...

hee-hawesome! you went to my favorite 99 sense store in the world! we used to go there during my lunch break at the census to look at the "wall of shame" of polaroids of shoplifters shamefacedly (or proudly!) showing the camera what they had tried to steal. do they still have that thing?

and weirdly, vitaroz sells those "crax" ritz knockoffs as "crix" in the carribean. they must have done some serious brand research and decided that the "i" just wasn't gonna cut it here in the states. i practically lived off those and guinness punches for months in trinidad.

keep em coming!

-stevie

p.s. if you don't cut back on the anti-asian slurs i'm gonna have summon the ghost of eric dancz to sing you his favorite monty python song late at night when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep...

Alicia said...

things to do with rice:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zkox6niJ1Wc

Jessica said...

oh my motherfriggin lord, kim--i never read this before, but it is highlarious. you rock.

-jp

whitney said...

i love you. i want to marry your site. CRAX!

You know who this is said...

I laughed so hard I actually have a headache.

Tracy said...

Sometimes when I am sad I think "whisper of musk" and then I smile

Anonymous said...

Eric Dancz. RIP.