Thursday, February 14, 2008

Crappy Valentine's Day

I am a hater, and that's pretty much all I have to say about that. Since there's nobody to wine, dine, or 69 me on this fine wintry holiday, I got on my bike this afternoon and took a ride over to Lefferts Gardens, Brooklyn to observe the love-n-discount scenario over there. I don't know if I'm sadder for myself for being a perpetual love hater, or for the people who feel so compelled by this retarded commercial holiday that they buy crap for their loved ones at discount stores. What I do know is, I'm saddest for those on the receiving end of these gifts. I know it's the thought that counts, but nobody deserves to see their love represented that way. Instead, say it every time you make eye contact, or write something sincere in a card you made yourself, even if you draw like a 5 year old, and can barely spell. Just don't do this to your significant other. They deserve better. You just made them feel like these sad discarded conversation hearts.

They make my eyes well up, and I'm 83% robot. Oil Can!

Once I got beyond Prospect Park, just about every store I passed was taking advantage of the coin to be made today, from the stankin fish market to the Jamaican bootleg video spot. So, here are some flicks from my adventures. Montell Jordan, Master P and Silk singing "Let's Ride" is booming out my speakers right now, so I'm going to take their advice (minus the slapping of the thighs.) My only regret is that I am not sitting on a hawaii chair.

Garfield and Spongebob got in on the action...for your 11 year old girlfriend.

I was immediately greeted in the first store I entered with this.

I doubt Bette Midler is making any residuals off this.
There was a small, ambiguously central american man who kept triggering these things incessantly. I never knew before today, but that is my idea of hell.

I like that they weren't afraid of going interracial with these dish bears.
They could have been made to celebrate the birth of Milla Jovovich's new baby Ever, but I highly doubt it.

This is so Cheng and Eng.

So, you want to go all out with the fancy dinner but can't afford that caviar spread your lady asked for? Don't fret.....
the 99 cent store has you covered. Presenting - plastic fruits with a caviar applique. Just don't attempt to eat it, and she'll never know the difference.

This is actually a break up gift meant to sweetly say "Your love is suffocating me."

So much. Wicked wicker chair much. Baby, lets go to Pier 1 and then I'm gonna fuck you in your fat head like scientology did Kirstie Alley.

yeah, so special.....
Hon-bun, whenever I see a bear driving a wicker rickshaw, you're the first thing that pops into my head. I wanna go down to chinatown, if ya know what I mean and I think you do *wiiiink*

nothing out of the ordinary here until....
you realized it was from your gramps or granny. Seriously, this would have me calling ACS, or Liutenants Stabler and Benson. It ain't right.

Now, let's move on to the second store.
Are you Seure?
I'm positive!

I bet they accept
(that's a welfare benefit for anyone who didn't grow up in NYC in the 80's and 90's)

This store was obviously THE spot to get your mylar valentine balloons. The guy couldn't inflate them fast enough.
Sna-sna- snatchin' em up.

Speaking of snatch...
luxury WHAT?

so good I had to show you twice.
(also, take notice of the terrible photoshop job on Ivanka's head)

I only like flowers when they are attached to the ground, or fake, and I contemplated buying a ton of these, but then I remembered I have better things to waste my money on, like dinner.

Remember, they were a whole dollar! Only the best for my boo.

If someone even attempted to spew some bull like this at me, I would choke the shit out of them before it completed escaping their lips, thus removing their choice in the matter.

YEAH! A Mug! Totally getting some nookie tonight. It's in the bag!

Just remember to bag it up. Plan parenthood. Please.

Love stinks. Didn't you get the memo?

I end today on an odd note. My favorite valentine video that I found on Youtube last year. I don't know why, but I can't get enough of it. Enjwah!

P.S. If you did indeed enjwah that, there's a russian version as well. It's a little diffrent, in russian and is just as hilarious. Афедронщик!


johanna said...

dude! i totally thought you made that video. i am so depressed now :(

me and spideey cackled over that for months!!

Kangsta! said...

i wish i made that video, i swear that's how little sense my dreams make. but alas, i don't have skills like that.

JP said...

it's sort of retarded that no one comments on this blog, since it's the funniest thing written since the torah.

but anyway, as you know i'm sending all the heads up over here. maybe they'll comment. i certainly like me some loud mouths.

keep it up, you.

Anonymous said...

OMG dude!! Ur blog iz totally AwEsOmE!!!!!!!!!!! I digs this post cuz I too am a valentines day HATER!!! All them loved up couples who buy all that red heart shaped crap for each other make me sick! I mean whos the retard who figures hearts are shaped like that??? Im betting on he was kicked out of biology all year. And yeah nothing says 'I love you' like a teddy in a mug or a fake plastic red rose.Ugh!!
Btw ur blog iz the most hilarious blog ever1 U rok!

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