My Maine Man Al

Over the summer, my bestie and her boys took a road trip vacation up to Maine, and they passed this Big Al's Odd Lot Outlet. Because she's a superstar and we basically have matching senses of humor, she had the audacity to dive head first and Scrooge McDuck style into this fortress of discount insanity. These are mostly phone cam pics, so mind the fuzz.

Word to big bird.
Speaking of big bird, do you know what this is?

you couldn't possibly guess it, so I'll let you in on the secret

Imagineering! Somebody obviously thought this idea was an opportunity-stake, rather than a mistake

Hilarious. And always in season.

Another product added to the Hall of Fame of poorly named consumer goods.

so what, I had a lil lolfun

My friend told me there was an entire aisle of doll parts. I have a propensity to do slightly disturbing things with baby dolls, and then photograph them. Por ejemplo, a photo I took in 2003:

My friend brought some home for me. Needless to say, I will be having some fun with my Horsman baby doll parts.

Hello, Kingston Rossdale.

This is another souvenir she brought back for me. Bush Baby soap, with a fetal-sea monkey thing inside. You're supposed to be happy to get that "free toy". I think pro-choicers should throw these when they protest outside of christian maternity centers. They do that right? Anyways, I bet they would scare some not-so-innocent but totally judgemental christian teen girl into thinking her baby's gonna be a hairless meerkat with downs syndrome and gills, and then she'll go "take care of it."

"I'm one of the laziest people I know, and even I'm not too lazy to spread my own butter" quoteth mah friend.

Yeah, cuz everybody be looking in the drawer for socks, with the light off.

I used to have a gag arm/hand like this that my brother and I would leave hanging wedged in the front door of the apartment, or our trunks or pant zippers for scares and laughs when people would come over. I don't see that working with these, and can't think of anything else they'd be used for.

This brought tears to my eyes. Of joy. Hilarious.

There is something really special about sad publications for children. I especially love this one cuz it has a sad Indian boy (I bet he has the Shanti virus), and a lynching in the background.

What catalog do you think they mean? It's probably Lillian Vernon, or Harriet Carter. those things are full of crap. Also, if you've never clicked the link in my sidebar, I'd like to introduce you to Harriet Carter Wednesdays. I want to marry it.

Anyways, feast your eyes on some of the most specific soaps ever devised.

I'd like to see it try to STOP me from wearing jewelry again!
This solution sounds like an abusive boyfriend.

Rock it Retro.

I've never heard them called that before.
As far as I knew, this was Bunchies.
Check out this birdfeeder. It's just an upside-down 3 liter soda bottle! They teach you how to make this shit in elementary school and summer camp. I guess someone hit a closeout windfall of 3 liter soda bottles (cuz really, how often do you see those anymore, your soda always goes flat) and had no other way to move em. Yet another opportunity-stake.

I say good work. Birdie-rrhea on em till the bird flu hits, for all I care. (Sorry Xtian)

So the Odd-Lot is where the millennium took its 40Y2K plan and retired.



Welcome to Zoobilee Zoo. I'm your Ben Vereen.
No animals were harmed during the writing of this blog.


I don't know what this is, but I want it in my house. It's fucking amazing.

Is that like, McGruff? Or is this dog just fronting like he wants to take a bite out of crime?

This is basically a three little pigs "nativity" scene.

"It's your world and I'm just a squirrel, tryna get a nut, so move your butt - to the dance floor, so yo, what's up?"

I know that every time I looked at my desktop computer, I was like, "you know what's missing? A cow."

This t-shirt is another souveneir piece they brought back for me. I will wear it proudly.

So that's basically it for this entry. There are more pics from this jaunt, but I'm saving them for another entry coming soon.

If homoloveulous exclamations and inside jokes make you uncomfortable, I'm sorry, but if your friends were as rocktastic as mine you'd be doing the same thing. Sue me.

Pretty Crappy

I wanna make this blog pretty. All this stark whiteness is making me feel like I need to weave some kinte cloth, harvest yams, and get bitten by a tsetse fly.

By pretty, I mean pretty/crappy of course. You know my steez.
Can someone point me to some sort of customize your blogger templates website for blogtards? I couldn't even figure out how to do the "read more after the jump" thing that people do, and I'm a certified genius.


Wheeee! Lets make this new year super happy.

P.S.
Whether you adore or abhor me, I have another blog, Toob Tops. I talk a lot less, and generally make it weird. Maybe check it out or something.

You Want A Piece Of Me?

New Computer!
No thanks to most of you, but a thank you shout for support goes out to Little Orphan Annie (a solid, solid dude), LiciaLo, V. Fun T, and My Mistress Nelbow. Youda best.


Today's installment of 99 Sense is brought to you by the letter Spears. As I was walking around 99¢ City in Downtown Brooklyn, just about every other piece of shit I saw reminded me Britney, Jamie-Lynn, or matriarch Lynn. What a year it's been for those three. I'm not about to make it any easier, so grab a Frapp and a bag of cheetos and we're off!

You shouldn't need to read the gossip rags in order to know that this mug pretty much sums up everything that has happened since Britney filed for divorce from Kevin, and with much bravery and class alerted him of such via text message (video booya!)

See?

Then,
Chica got face jacked by some cheap ass perfume.

About touring, Britney was once quoted as saying "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."

Even 99 Cent store dolls have better weave.

Rather than indulging in the constant partying, a little more work with these might have hushed some of the flack about her looks during her VMA performance

She owns these, right? Got to.
these too prolly.
Lets just wait and see if she again decides to spontaneously run into the malibu surf in her underwear to see.

I don't remember if Britney actually pierced her bellybutton or not, but she certainly looks like the kind of tart that would.

One, Two, Three Times a Lady. Britney's upskirt threepeat last year was the most blatant display of celebritwat in the history of the world part 3.

Promises' pansy ass rehab, in a box.

1 part producer Nate "Danja" Hills
and equal parts herbs
and T-Pain

And we've got chartbusting hit album Blackout.
Don't front. Piece of Me is a jam and a half. Up her derrière.
No!
Lies!
I love it.

The question oft asked..

We are very aware this is not an option.

I imagined Britney (and Jamie-Lynn in 6 months) dressing their lil' lousiana star babies up in this thing and acting all Anna Nicole in clown makeup, and I cried a little, but mostly laughed.

It was reported that Britney fed Sean P, and Jayden J ice cream to shut them up and make them fall asleep. My mother-friends say that makes no sense, but perhaps she was on to something.

With their Pimps and Maids sweatsuits, Brit-n-Kev's wedding was certainly one to remember. Considering that it's been reported Britney has lesbionic tendencies, let's just hope this book was really a pack of tarot cards, I'm the new Miss Cleo, and this is my free readin'.

What kind of kids was you raisin' Lynne?

Brit's most likely getting the old Michael Jackson yes-man treatment from those around her these days, which is a damn shame, but ought to lead to even more acts of desperate rediculous behavior - so I'm just sitting here in my barcalounger saying bring it on.

Final Words...
In my search for an image from brit-kev's wedding i came across these creepy videos made by a man who calls himself Emotionizer. Shit'redic.

White Flight

I'm not usually an instigator, but I've been known to roll with a few. I remember this one time I was hanging out and walking around the Columbus Circle/Lincoln Center area of Manhattan with a bunch of kids that I'd gone to summer camp with. The second session kids came through in numbers. I ought to tell you that they were mostly black. This one particular kid had an EPMD tape in his quote unquote ghetto blaster and really got a kick out of blasting the intro of the song "Head Banger" repeatedly. I'm going to assume you don't know what that sounds like, so imagine this guy yelling NEGROOOOOOOOES!!!!! over and over and over and over. It was one of those jokes that went on too long, and I was kind of afraid I was going to run into one of my neighbors or something. But after 5 minutes of this, the non-black kids joined in, the old ladies were nearly breaking their osteo-arthritic bones to get away from us and I was laughing so hard I thought I was gonna pee my pants.

That's just another rambling introduction to this video that features uppity white people vomiting in their mouths a little bit at the thought of a 99 cent store opening on Rodeo Drive.



You can run, but you can't hide. Much like Gloria Estefan warned us about the rhythm, the discount is gonna get'cha.