Girl, I Need To Check Out Your Box

I'm like the gynecologist of Engrish. Defa Lucy is my favorite. If I were an pimp she'd be the top ho in my stable. Her box always pleases.

Mermaid, Princess, and a Frog Prince? Fairytailz. Ur doin it rong.


She might also be a tranny. Not that there's anything wrong with that.


Are they saying she's high on cocaine?


Um, yes. There might also be some dust involved.


This btw, is from the front of the same box. I know you're high but pick a season, ditz.


That would have made more sense on the front of this box.


Enhance.


Mmm she just wore em up. Not a scrap left. And then she slowly dipped, she dip, she dip.


I don't care how beautiful, I would vanquish those demonic suits, just showing up, season after season...


Huh...


I love that it's the pencil holder that is aware of this knowledge now.


I think the tiny computer and Chris Brown should have a face off to see who can transform ya most.


Happy Family, Gay Dad. See how he's reaching for that purse, even with a broken arm?


I thought that was Mary Jane.


Her question-finger is in the right place, but question mark...not so much.


Ah, happiest childhood memories, walking away from the bar. What is this Defa anyway that it has a bar, and a Lucy?

Hey Hey Hey

it's

I'm not going to sing a song for you, but I will show you a thing or two...

I took a trip over to Brooklyn's Phat Albert Warehouse in Lefferts Gardens a while back, and found a most hilarious collection of Defa Lucy Dolls. This brand of dolls has definitely become my favorite thing to look for in discount stores thanks to the guaranteed laugh inducing copy on the boxes. Engrish, I love you so. Let's get started.

First up - The Elegance Series

Although I do love her stylish crocheted gowns that remind me of the Jamaican mesh explosion of the 1990's there's nothing much funny here until you get close up. Enhance.

Effulgent bead in slap-up thread? Oh, I'm mad cuz she's stylin' on me.

And from the side?


Brilliance and sparkling notions! I suggest everybody much more open out their noblest and elegant which are always latent. Please. Show us what you're working with.


Defa Lucy is a great source of elegance. This time she's getting married.





I've seen Super Cool Gal before, but this time she's black, so I'm going to join in this team, as requested. We have to stick together.


In an epic battle of copycattery, Real Barbie has fashion fever with little hangers, and drawers that open.


And in this corner, Fashion Girl with her swagger jack packaging has new fashion styls.


and a fashion neckcloth.
Keffiyeh's are what all the gay cool mormon hipster transplants to nyc are wearing these days, so this round goes to Fashion Girl. Barbie, consider yourself pwned.


This Defa Lucy appears to be some sort of flower garden variety. Let's check out what her box has to say:

well, in my opinionation, the sun is going to surely shine.


Here we have a pair of Black Russians.


Or, according to what the box says they're up to, they may be Icelandic. I remember reading a couple quotes from Björk a long time ago about how Icelandic people get drunk in the winter and scream at each other, and have sex in the snow between buildings. Sounds reallyromantic.


Check out Ballet Sheila, with her dulcet music.
She's all Zoe Saldana as Eva Rodriguez in the movie Center Stage, rolling with her vanilla crew of anorexics

Balletdancering of new century to the tunes of Michael Jackson and Jamiroquai.
See for yourself:



Oh, I'm wrong for that.

In all, I have to say that I was impressed by the racial sensitivity and care that was given in stocking these particular Defa Lucy dolls. Phat Albert's warehouse gets a thumbs up from me. Na na na, I totally had a good time.

Me Chinese, Me Play Joke

A seasoned crap-hunter like myself always keeps an eye out for lapses in language. Today, I'm taking you back to Jersey City, where the toy section had my ass in stitches. God bress the Engrish ranguage.

This is Defa Lucy. She is a super cool gal.

I don't know how they expect people to fit doll clothes, but whatever, I guess that's how they roll in rural china. Poverty = size -000

Really newly experience!

Defa Lucy says "You may use the method to increase the temperature to let my hair change color"
Which method?!? There are so many! Feldenkrais? Rhythm? Suzuki? I like this one.

I'm about to hit you with a barrage of Defa Lucy. This chick was all over the place in many incarnations.

I don't think agile hands and legs are something that should matter to the intended consumers of Defa Lucy. They make her sound like a real doll. Now I can't help but wonder if the modern hair they speak of includes a brazilian.

This Defa Lucy is extra special because she gets a circumflex on her e. Now that I just said that out loud, I hate the word circumflex. It sounds like a bris gone awry.

Musie makes the people come together.

Modes? She's not electronic.

This inspires me to pull my prom dress out of the closet, squeeze in my hiney and wear my finery to a winery.

Grammar, punctuation and the whole shebang. No need to say more.

Here we have a fanciful Defa Lucy. It appears that it's Oscar night, or she's been fishing around in Diana Ross' closet.

Her box reads: Good evening. Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Lucy. Thank you for your attendance in the star field of city. It is my pleasure to share this wonderful moment with you. I hope you can enjoy this unforgettable performance. Have a wonderful night.

SHOUTOUTS!
This is perfect, completely true and goes out to my homegirl on the left coast. These exact words will be spoken the next time I see her in person. Miss you!

So, about that Yippee...
A whole land! A reservation if you will. If some dang toys can get a whole Yippee land, I want some motherfucking slavery reparations. Vote for Obama.

front
back

I had to hit this box with mad macros. The wording is fantastical. I thought naughty, but that goes without saying, so I'm just going to leave these alone.

There are a lot of faux Bratz dolls on the market. These Funny Angle styling heads are special because they appear to be part of a Saved By The Bell collection.
Jessie Spano. (I was so excited, and so scared)

Kelly Kapowski


Like any of this is going to make a bit of difference if someone is buying a toxic toy that costs about 5 dollars.

Here's another. A Top Angel Noble Girl.
The manufacture may have been skillful, but the spelling and translation was not.

This chick's face straight up freaks me out.
Also, why do all these girls have tranny sized 90's rave style shoes?

OK, here's something great. Somebody downloaded the disney font, and wrote this preposterous story for the packaging of Beauty Castle.

I couldn't capture it all in one frame, so I'm just going to write it out so it's easier for you to read.
Here goes:
On the virgin and beautiful island there was a flourish green forest where plenty of animals live in. It's a fairly landscape with unnamed trees and limpid rivers. You can hear birds singing. You can see animals running and white clouds floating on the blue sky. Among the poetic forest. There's an amazing giant castle with a long and mysterious history. The castle is so splendor and spectacular. You have to walk across a large bridge to get to the castle. It has high walls and beautiful loft. The gate is so large that even a tank could drive through. Here is the most famous scenic spot. Each year thousands of travellers come to visit. They have to abide the rules made by the government to keep the place clean and lively. That's why the island can be as innocent as it was.

Come back tomorrow for more Engrish. I have an appointment today to get that tattooed down my back.